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I should write in here more often. It might help keep my head clear.
Julie and I got married...it was a surprise for me that she planned and it was so wonderful. I loved it...and I love her...so very, very much...
But I know it seems to her right now that I don't want to be near her, don't want her, don't want to talk to her. That's not true. Not true at all. But since our wedding, I've had a lot of things on my mind and I guess it's making me distant from her.
I'm worried about my brother. He's still living in New York...has an apartment in the city with friends of his. I've never met these friends, but something tells me they're not good role models for my little brother. I know he's not a kid anymore and can take care of himself, but I can't help but worry. The last letter I got from him and our last phone conversations...something was seriously wrong...different. He seems really spaced out and not like himself at all. I don't know what's wrong...if it's drugs or something else...I'm not there so I don't know. And it's taking up most of my thoughts, day and night, these days. I can't help being over protective of him...after everything we've been through in our lives.
I don't mean to hurt Julie or shut her out...that's the last thing I'd ever want to do. I just can't really focus on sex or anything else right now. God I'm in tears right now...I know she's hurting, I know it's because of me, and I'm so...I'm sorry....*runs out of the house*
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Claude/Alain and Lucas/Jean-Paul all went to Boston the other day and got married.
Huh.
Oh I know there's no way on earth Juliette and I are anywhere close to being ready for that big a step but it's nice to think about. Daydream, if you will. I'd like to think that sometime down the road we'd do the same thing. I love her enough to want to marry her, when the time is right. And that's scary and cool at the same time.
Poor Theoren hasn't gone upstairs since he went blind. He essentially lives on the main floor of the safehouse, sleeps on the couch and stuff. That's actually not a bad thing, even if we do have to keep it quiet; he doesn't miss a single thing and knows if someone comes or goes. He even told me the other day he can tell who it is based on smell, if you'll believe me. Said each of us women wears different purfumes etc, an' none of the guys use the same aftershave. Says it makes his life easier, instead of him having to ask who it is all the time.
He told me a moment ago that something is wrong with Lapin even if he can't see what it is and hasn't been able to corner ol' Red to ask him. And based on what I just read in Emil's journal...I'd say Theo's right. Big time. Poor Emil. I hope someone will realize it and help him. Because he really needs it.
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Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
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Yeah I'd say that's pretty accurate....
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Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
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She makes me feel so good. It's unreal. I keep fearing that I'm going to blink and it'll be gone. I think that would kill me.
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So I'm sitting in the kitchen doing a crossword puzzle. Pretty normal for me...it helps me with my English. Anyway I'm sitting there and the next thing I know, Julie came in. Not unusual. But once she got my attention, she simply leaned over me and kissed me. When I blinked and asked her "What's that for?" she merely grinned at me, signed "Just because" and left the room. If she could talk, I'd swear she would have been singing. In fact, I know she was singing. In her head and heart. I could hear her in my mind. It was a wonderful sound. But she kissed me for no reason other than she wanted to...
I repeat, *thud*!
*goes to find out where Julie danced off to...*
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Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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I wanted to elaborate on what I said in my post yesterday. I'm sure Lia will agree with me on what I'm going to say.
My uncle was (is still? I'm not sure) the Patriarch of the Tokyo Thieves Guild. He and many other members of the Guild never thought very highly of the women in the family. From the very beginning, they made myself and the other women in the family feel like second-class citizens. They never sexually abused us, but I will openly say they verbally/emotionally abused us constantly. So my own self-worth and self-esteem is very low.
I worked very hard when I was growing up...I learned different martial arts, I learned how to fight...and I learned how to be a good thief. All of it was an attempt to make my uncle and the other Guild members...my own father included...proud of me. But it never worked.
Then when it became known that my brother was a mutant...they took him away...told me they took him to a boarding school, but they took him to a lab...turned him into a lab-rat for scientists at such a young age...I found out and rescued him, against the wishes of my Guild. In turn, they excommunicated me and I took him here to America with me. We've never been back to Japan, and I doubt we ever will go back. Well at least I won't go back, I'm not sure about Shirow. I know he misses home.
No one ever really cared about me when I was in Japan...and even once I came here...at first I know Jean-Luc felt obligated to help me under the International Guild Charter, but that was it. They accepted me, but I've never felt like I fit in and I never got the impression that any of them loved me or thought of me as family.'
So with Julie caring about me...it blows my mind...I don't know how to react...I keep thinking that it's all just a game for her...that one day I'm going to wake up and she's going to push me away like everyone else does. And that scares the hell out of me.
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Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
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Chase and Enjolras came back after two days away from the safehouse an' announced their engagement. We're all so happy for them!
Julie and I are trying to keep things low-key between us...take our time and whatnot. I still find it a little hard to believe that she cares about me...I never thought I was that special or worthy of someone's love...
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Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
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I told her. I'm not sure I would have done it so soon if Emil hadn't threatened to do it for me, but he did and I did. LOL. I had nothing to worry about. Her reaction? She kissed me. *blinks* I have never felt anything quite so amazing in my whole life.
I love you, Juliette Marceaux.
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...about myself in the past few months. Ever since the Parisian guilds came to live here (and trust me I am so happy that Lia was part of that!) I've started to realize a few things, not about guilds in general, but about myself. Jackie always asks me why I seemingly have no interest in relationships, and I usually say I have no time. But that's not really true. Anybody can make time for a relationship no matter how busy they are.
I am actually interested in a relationship...and I've kept it a secret from everyone...including the person I'm interested in. I honestly think I'm falling in love with this person. I don't even know how it's happening, it just is. I'm kind of nervous...I've never been in this position before. But after some serious soul searching and thinking and panicking...I'm lesbian.
The reason I never seemed interested in a relationship is because I was never really attracted to any guy...and I never clued in until just recently that it's because of that one fact I never considered. But I can say it now without much fear.
I wonder how Juliette will react when she finds out I think I'm falling in love with her. I think she's an amazing woman...she's overcome alot of adversity and as far as I'm concerned, she's come out on top. She's beautiful, smart, charming and just...perfect.
Guess I'll have to wait and see. Maybe I should change my name to Romeo?
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Customary first post, just trying to see if the colors work or not. After that...I'm going icon searching....
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zishihara's journal